Last week I sent out my first agent query for Winterland and while it was nerve-wracking, it was also exciting. It was the moment I’d been waiting for, building up towards, and something I’d put off too. Winterland, my new fantasy romance novel, was completed back in November 2018 and after editing and polishing it – attending the Finish Your Novel course with Conor Kostick and the Edit Your Novel course with Brian Langan, I had no excuses left. It was now or never.
Self Doubt, Procrastination, and a Revelation
So I took to Google, chatted with writer friends, perfected my query letter, and created a spreadsheet. Yes, still procrastinating. I searched for agents that represented my genre – there aren’t that many – and I read their submission guidelines. This is a MUST because they are all different. I also had to find a way to personalise my query letter. The first agent wasn’t too hard. I knew she was actively looking for writers thanks to a recommendation from another writer friend and she listed a number of books I’d loved in her favourite reads too. I typed up my email, double and triple checked for typos, had a cup of tea, came back and reread it again, toilet break, another cup of tea, and then I closed my eyes while my mouse hovered over the send button, sucked in a deep breath and clicked. It was done, gone, my sample chapters now out in the big world of agents, who could very well think it the biggest pile of crap they’ve ever read.
That’s when the doubts really set in. Was Winterland ready? Should I have done one more round of edits? Did the first sentence work? Were my chapters long enough? Were they short enough? Were my characters likeable? It was like a never-ending cycle and in the end, I had to give myself a good talking to.
What’s the worse that can happen? They don’t like it.
What’s the best that can happen? They love it and want to read the whole book.
Will their decision change me, stop me from writing? No.
You see, with all the worry and procrastinating, the internal fear, the crippling doubt, one thing remains the same no matter what, and that is my love of writing. Even if I never get an agent or publisher, my love of writing won’t change. My desire and joy in creating stories won’t change. I won’t change. My life won’t change.
So was the fear really worth it?
Were those hours spent doubting my story, fearing rejection, worrying about what others thought, going to do any good? No, they weren’t and that was a realization to me. It doesn’t matter what the outcome is, not in the big picture anyway. I love to write. It’s what I enjoy doing. It’s what makes me feel alive. Whether the stories stay in my notebooks or whether they make it out into the world, isn’t the be all and end all. It’s about doing what I love and being happy. Writing.
To everyone embarking on the agent querying journey, I get you. I get the fear and the what ifs. I get the doubt and the anxiety. I get it all, but I discovered something while facing that fear, something I probably wouldn’t have if I hadn’t done it – no one can take writing away from me but myself.
The Long Wait
It’s a long wait to hear back from agents. Some reply. Some don’t. Some send standard boilerplate “not for us” emails, some send personal messages of encouragement, some ask for the full manuscript. Not one will say you’re not allowed to write anymore. And you see, that’s the thing. Writing is your choice, my choice, and only we have permission to change that.
I’ve now sent out ten agent queries and with each one, I’ve felt the doubt creep in, but I’ve also felt strength. Strength in knowing that no matter what happens, I am a writer and I always will be. And if I am lucky enough to find an agent that believes in my stories and wants to help them get out into the world, I will be forever grateful. If I don’t, I will still write.
Until next time,
Keep reading and writing,
Amanda
Amanda J Evans is an award-winning Irish author and writing coach. Amanda writes adult romance that often crosses into paranormal and fantasy. Growing up with heroes like Luke Skywalker and Indiana Jones, her stories centre on good versus evil with a splice of love and magic thrown in too. Her books have all won awards and her novella, Hear Me Cry, won the Book of the Year Award at the Dublin Writers Conference 2018. Amanda is also the author of Surviving Suicide: A Memoir from Those Death Left Behind, published in 2012.
