Last week, I typed those long-awaited words – The End – on my current novel, Winterland. I’ve now put it away for a couple of weeks while I remove myself from its world and get ready for edits. To add a bit of colour to this post and break things up a little, here’s a pretend cover I created.

This novel has taken me the longest of all my books to write and a lot of it has to do with fear. I made the decision when I started Winterland that I would submit it to publishers and agents and see if I could get a traditional publishing deal. It’s always been my dream to have a traditional publishing deal and having made that decision, I found that my writing ground to a halt.

Procrastinating in Fear

Winterland had been coming along nicely and I had about 35,000 words written when I made my decision. Suddenly other things popped up. I accepted a position in an Angels and Magic themed anthology and put Winterland to one side while I wrote a new book – The Cursed Angels. I loved writing this one and was sad to see it end, although it will become a three book series. The words flowed effortlessly and I looked forward to writing every day.

After finishing The Cursed Angels, it was time to jump back into Winterland and the reminder to myself that I was going to submit this one. I struggled for a bit, avoiding writing, finding everything else to do (including housework), so I could put off the inevitable. I wrote a couple of thousand words here and there but the fear of rejection from agents and publishers was crippling. It wasn’t even that, there was also the fear of acceptance, the success, the making my dreams come true. I struggled and I’m not afraid to admit that. I struggled and sat with my fingers poised over the keyboard while nothing happened.

Eventually, I went back to what I knew worked and I pulled out my pen and notebook and did some journaling and free writing just to remind myself how great it felt. It worked and Winterland started to take shape. The world grew, the story developed, and new ideas crept into my psyche every morning while I sat drinking my cup of tea. I got excited again.

Fear is a Killer

Then something else happened. I entered the Meet The Professionals competition for the Wexford Literary Festival. It was the chance to meet with an agent or publisher and discuss my book. I submitted the required synopsis, my writing accomplishments, and details of where I was with my book. I didn’t win a place, but I did receive an email to say that a literary agent liked what she read and wants me to send her the manuscript when it’s finished.

Honestly, I didn’t know what to do with myself. The sheer joy at receiving this email soon became overshadowed by my crippling fear. What if she hates it? What if she sees that I’m a fraud? So many questions and doubts, and my internal critic had a field day. And as you’ve probably guessed, Winterland went back into my novels folder and stayed there for weeks until I plucked up the courage to confront my fears and get back to writing.

Facing it Anyway

In the end, it took some lovely encouraging words from a few fellow writers and a little chat with myself to say that I didn’t have to submit it if I didn’t want to. The decision was mine to make. Once I took the pressure off myself, the words flowed and last week I typed The End. Something else happened too and new ideas and revelations have left this novel open for a sequel so Return to Winterland could be a thing as well.

It’s taken most of the year for me to finish this book and I have a lot more work to do, but I’m excited about it. The agent might not like, she might love it, she might think it’s rubbish, or she might not. In the end, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is taking the chance and sending it out there into the world. This story is my chance to confront my fears and follow my dream of being a traditionally published author.

No matter what happens with Winterland, I know this book is one I will always look at as being my fear busting book, and I will always be grateful for that. For anyone reading this and struggling with self-doubt, please know you are not alone. It takes courage to put your writing in front of someone else. It takes courage to submit, to query, to even allow someone else to read it. It may be fearful, but it is in confronting the fear that we often find that it really is False Evidence Appearing Real.

So today, be courageous, face your fears, and write your story no matter what.

Until next time,

Keep reading and writing,

Amanda

Amanda J Evans

Amanda J Evans is an award-winning Irish author and writing coach. Amanda writes adult romance that often crosses into paranormal and fantasy. Growing up with heroes like Luke Skywalker and Indiana Jones, her stories centre on good versus evil with a splice of love and magic thrown in too. Her books have all won awards and her novella, Hear Me Cry, won the Book of the Year Award at the Dublin Writers Conference 2018. Amanda is also the author of Surviving Suicide: A Memoir from Those Death Left Behind, published in 2012.

www.amandajevans.com